


J'ai déja mange

by PhanofCatnip



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Character Death, Don't Like Don't Read, My First Fanfic, Sad sad sad, Self-Harm, Suicide, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-20 14:25:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11922777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhanofCatnip/pseuds/PhanofCatnip
Summary: Dan is fat. Every day he looks in the mirror and sees the growing bulge over his jeans. Every day he looks at Phil and sees how thin he is. How lucky he is.Until Dan decides it's time to change that.Rewrite of another fiction that I saw but was taken down. First fic so don't hate, but constructive criticism is welcome.Please R&R! I really want some feedback.





	1. Green

Dan didn't understand. Didn't understand why he had to be the fat one. Why he was stuck. Why every time he was editing a video, all he could see was Phil in his slim, fitted shirts and his small thighs next to Dan with the ever growing bulge over the waist line of his jeans. It wasn't that they ate differently. It was just... Phil was thin and Dan was fat.

Dan and Phil were watching a really good anime one morning when Phil suddenly launched himself onto Dan and yelled "TICKLE FIGHT!" Dan squealed in shock as Phil started his attack. Dan flipped them and Phil immediately responded with a "stop! Stop!" 

"Why? You were doing the same to me" 

"Yeah well I'd cope better if you weren't so flippin heavy"

Dan automatically retreated and stood up.

"Where you going?"

"My room."

"But the episode isn't done..."

"Yeah, well, it's 2am so I should probably go to bed anyways."

He didn't give Phil a chance to respond before escaping the room.

As soon as he got to his room he collapsed on his bed and picked up his laptop. The thoughts were swirling around in his head, but one word stuck out most of all.

"Heavy"

'Even Phil thinks I'm fat.' Dan unlocked his laptop and opened google. He tried 'im fat' first but that just yielded some shit about long term diets and other crap. He then tried 'pro anorexia' which came up with 'did you mean proana?' He clicked and then went on the first site he saw. 

As Dan read through he became more and more certain that he could do this. He could lose the weight. He could be like Phil. He could be thin. The site said that putting a little salt on his tongue helped to relieve hunger, and he should always keep some thinspo on his phone in case he came close to buckling.

He googled 'thinspo' and scrolled through the images. 'I could do this' he thought, 'I could look like these girls too.'

 

\---------

The next morning Phil dragged himself out of bed to make some much needed coffee, still half asleep, when he heard the front door bang. 

"Dan! That you?"

"Yeah."

"Where ya going?"

"Nowhere. I'm coming back."

At this Dan reached the kitchen door, wearing the trainers and exercise gear he'd bought in that "day in the life" video a couple of years back.

"Have you been... Exercising?" Phil asked incredulously.

"Yeah. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just... You. Exercising." He trailed off. "Coffee?"

"Nah." Dan said as he left the room. 

'Wow. He really is changing.' Phil thought.

 

\---------

Dan was getting used to not eating. Already his stomach wasn't straining so much when he put on his jeans. Before he'd been slightly sad that he and Phil never ate their meals together, but now it was grateful. It meant he could go unnoticed more easily.

He ran 10k every morning, which he had been building up to, and 900 sit ups over the course of each day. He calculated this should burn enough calories to cut down relatively quickly. Phil was getting accustomed to seeing Dan randomly exercising all over the house, a bit like the people in Sims.

Every time Dan looked at himself in the mirror, he noticed it was a tiny bit better. But not enough. He still had a long way to go.


	2. Amber

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how's it going? Please R&R!

Dan was now 152 pounds. He was still too fat. Still not good enough. Still not beautiful enough. But he was getting closer every day. He aimed for 110 pounds. He knew he could do it. Dan knew he could be as pretty as the girls he saw on his thinspo. 

 

Dan started his liveshow at 7pm. He began with his usual hi, how is everyone, that sort of thing. He then decided to take a look at the premium messages.

"Right guys, gonna take a look at the premium messages." Immediately loads of them came flooding in. He clicked one open and looked at his contents. 

'You're looking rly thin dan.' He tried again.

'dan have u lost weight'

Finally he found one he could share. 

'Where's Phil' 

"He's planning a video, so you guys should look forward to that in the next few days."

'r u ok u look tired and skinny' Dan accidentally read aloud. 

Shit.

"I'm fine guys it's nothing to worry about. Really, I've just been busy lately." Unsure if the fans had accepted the answer, he hastily steered the conversation away from the topic of his weight.

Eventually he signed off and packed away his filming equipment. Dan was pleased it was over. The comments had been full of things telling him to eat something or get more sleep. He had wanted to scream at them that he couldn't, he had to do this, he had to look beautiful.

 

\---------

 

Phil was in shock. He'd walked in on Dan spreading some crumbs on a plate and then putting a slice of bread in the bin. Dan had said nothing, just looked at him and hastily left the room. 

What did this mean? Was Dan pretending to eat? Was this the first time? How long had this been going on for. Was Dan - he didn't want to even think it - getting an eating disorder? Anorexia?

No. Dan wasn't that stupid. He'd probably dropped the bread on the floor or something and was throwing the crumbs to the birds. Yeah. That was it. The birds...

 

\--------

 

Dan was so stupid. So fucking stupid. He'd been caught by Phil. Phil, who would never understand because he was already skinny. He was already beautiful. Now Phil was gonna call someone and he'd have to have therapy and eat again and get fat again but he wasn't finished and Dan needed to do this, to finish this.

Calm.

Phil might (hopefully) jump to the wrong conclusion. Might think it was a one time thing. Maybe, because of Phil's innocence, Dan was safe.  
Even so, he was stupid. He was fat. He was worthless. No one would ever want Dan. No one would ever love him. He found himself pulled to the bathroom as if by a rope. An invisible force making him to do what he'd sworn he never would. The invisible power made him lock the door. Guided his arm towards the rack above the sink. Made him grab the razor. Forced him to take off the cap. And as if in a daze, he did as he was told. He put the blade on his stomach, and started to carve into his skin.

Worthless.

Unloveable.

Useless.

Fat.

 

Dan wasn't stupid. He knew how easily discovered cuts on the arm are. So that's why he always made the incisions on his stomach and thighs.  
Much more undetectable.

He began to crave the pain. Began to need it. Need the feeling of peace it provided. When the metal but into his skin, he could focus, hone in on that pain do as to forget the other pain, the worse pain inside of him.  
Bit by bit more words were added, brutally yet carefully drawn into his own flesh. They were surrounded by the slits which littered his body.

And Dan was becoming more beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote chapter 3 but forgot to save it. Stupid, but it was a really long chapter so sorry that it might not be up right away. Aaaargh it's so annoying. Anyway. It will be up at some point.


	3. Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is! The delayed chapter. Enjoy!

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!

He was so stupid. Dan knew, as he knelt over the toilet in his flat, how it was his own fault really. He shouldn't have lost control. He needs control. He had been obliged to go to the party. After all, it Louise's birthday, and it would have upset her if he and Phil didn't show. But still. He shouldn't of gone on a fucking crazy binge.

This, now, was what he deserved. What he deserved for buckling when Chris and PJ tried to get some beer down his throat. And under the influence of alcohol, it had been all too easy to forget he wasn't supposed to eat. 

So here he was. Crouched over the toilet with two fingers down his throat. He kept pushing, keeping his fingers there so he could get every last calorie he consumed out of his system.

When he was finished, Dan rinsed out his mouth and stumbled to his bedroom, where he collapsed onto the bed. He kept reminding himself that this was necessary, it had to be done so he could be beautiful. He was just thankful that Phil was already asleep.

 

\---------

 

Phil lay on his bed rigidly. He was struggling to shut out what he could hear from the bathroom. Dan had probably had too much to drink. He hadn't had much alcohol lately, Phil observed, so the sudden rise must have been tough in his body.

Every instinct Phil had was screaming at him to go and help his best friend. But he couldn't. He knew Dan would be too embarrassed that he couldn't hold his drink, so he stayed there, in his bed, trying not to listen.

Eventually Dan went to his room, for which Phil was grateful. It was over.

He could sleep.

 

\---------

 

"Dan "

"Mhmgmm."

"Dan."

Dan groaned.

"Dan!"

Dan finally jerked awake.

"Whaddaya want?" He grumbled.

"Up! Up! Up! We're going to the beach today, remember? Come on, we'll miss the train. Besides, the cold sea should help with your hangover." Phil chuckled.

Dan forced himself to sit up. A couple of aspirin and a glass of water sat on his bedside cabinet. Dan ignored them. Aspirin were 90 calories each. Too much.

He got dressed into a t-shirt and swimming trunks, then buckled to the aspirin. 

"Dan, pancakes!" Christ, was Phil trying to make him fat? Aspirin, and now pancakes. 

"I'll eat them on the train!" Dan called back. He'd dump them at the first opportunity he got.

He fetched a towel, the black one, and wrapped in it some boxers, shirts and socks, before dumping the whole things into a bag.

"Phil, you ready?"

"Yeah."

 

\---------

 

Dan spread his towel on the sand. Phil was already stripped down to his trunks and ready to go in the water.

"C'mon Dan" he implored.

"Alright." Dan laughed at Phil's pitiful expression. It was going to be a good day.

He peeled of his t-shirt and heard Phil gasp. He turned round to see Phil standing rigidly next to him.

"What? What's up?" Dan asked. Phil's face was almost comical.

Until Dan followed his line of sight. To his stomach. To the cuts. 

"D-Dan... Why?"

Dan shrugged him off. 

'Fuck it. Lets go home."

 

\---------

 

It was supposed to be a perfect day, Dan thought as he closed the front door. It was perfect, but Dan fucked it up. Like he did everything. 

He turned around to see Phil standing there, blocking his way.

"What the-"

"It's fine Phil." Dan cut cut him off. "They're old scars, from ages ago. I don't do that any more. Everything's fine. Well, apart from the fact we wasted so much money on train tickets." Dan tried to laugh it off.

"No." Phil said quietly. Then louder.

"No! They're not old Dan! Some of them are barely scabbed over. What the fuck are you doing to yourself? You can't treat your skin like tissue! And you're so thin! You're practically emaciated. When was the last time you ate Dan? I remember... Remember that time in the kitchen when you dumped that bread. How many times have you done that Dan? Huh? How many times? Fucking say something!" Phil practically screamed the last sentence.

Dan just looked at him. He'd wrecked it. Phil was the only good thing in his life and he'd wrecked his chances of staying his friend. He shoved passed him and sprinted up the stairs faster than he probably ever had before. He headed straight for the bathroom and locked the door.

He was beyond repair. He couldn't be fixed. He would never be beautiful. No one would ever love him.

Dan found that the same force that had made him reach for the razor months ago returned, guiding his hand towards the cupboard and Phil's prescription sleeping pills. He popped the lid. 3 left. He downed them dry, but it wasn't enough. He grabbed his razor and yanked off his t-shirt. He started the cut at his belly button, and drew it up, past his chest, over his shoulder and down his arm. It didn't matter anymore. Phil knew. There was no point trying to be secretive. 

He made a series of horizontal cuts on his wrist before repeating the process on the other arm. Then two more cuts.

One on the left wrist.

One on the right.

Both vertical this time.

Both fatal.

And Dan couldn't see his surroundings anymore. Just his skin. Just the red. The lines.

And words.

Worthless.

Unloveable.

Useless.

Fat.


	4. Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil after Dan.

Black.

Dark.

Soulless.

That was Phil's life now. 

Soulless.

Dark.

Black.

It didn't help that Dan's 'thing', if you will, was black. But Dan's black was alive, bright and funny. Not like Phil's.

Black. 

Dark.

Soulless.

Phil couldn't really feel anymore. He was numb to everything. He just felt empty.

Soulless.

Dark.

Black.

Phil was homeless now. He still had his apartment, of course, but he'd come to a realisation in the past few months. Dan was home. No Dan = no home.

Black.

Dark.

Soulless.

Phil couldn't go on like this. He remembered breaking down the bathroom door to find Dan, covered in blood and words, brutal, flesh words. He remembered the razor and the empty pill bottle. And he was jealous. After all he was trapped here.

Soulless.

Dark.

Black.

Dan was free. Phil could be free too. A few little lines is all it would take. Or poison. Or even a jump. Anything to release him from this hell that was living. This empty hell. 

Black.

Dark.

Soulless.

Why not? If Dan could do it, why couldn't he? He fetched his razor. It'll be just like Dan. He decided to make it the same. He went to the bathroom, and began writing words. Words like Dan's words.

Soulless.

Dark.

Black.


End file.
